For you to be you and for me to be me

Allow me to feel my pain
Allow me to connect with it
dont dismiss me
give me room to breathe
I need to let it all out
it is poisoning my system
the years of oppression and neglect are getting to me
I need a safe place
give me your unconditional love so that I can give you mine
feel my pain so that I can feel yours
my pain is a big part of who i am
I dont want to feel embarrassed of my pain
I am allowed to feel it !
You say : move on, move on...
how can I?
I will I know - one day maybe, when I am safe
when i am heard
Marginalized - do you know how painful that is ?
feer hurts!
Exposed...
I want to be exposed to you
with all my pain and brilliance
my genuis and depression
I dont want to be embarrased becasuse of my oppression
"it is not an issue" , you say. My life is way better that many others -
But you know, it is MINE, my pain is mine- I am the one who feels it.
My pain needs love
be gentle with my pain
my darkness needs the light of understanding
solidarity

dont dismiss me
can you accept me the way i am? with my beauty and baggage?
do you see my beauty at all?
I tell the ocean about my pain - the trees hear me

God hears me
I crave the unity of the soul , a commuinity of the heart
communion with God through you and him and her
help me drop my defences
help me get rid of my identities - I want to be whole when with you
how can i if i am not whole within myself?

help me break free from the grinding wheel - acknowledge my courage - my stuggle
embrace my schezophrania
my madness is part of me
my maddness IS me

take me as a whole
Allow me to be me so that I can seize to be me
What I feel is real even if it doesnt make sense to you
Do you know how it feels to be jailed? stripped of your freedom?
do you know how it feels to be a woman? an arab? a palestinian? an artist?
do you want to know? do you care to know?
Does anyone care to know?

why would they, depressing lamentaion ...
minority colonialism feminism
oppression stuff ... boring depressing activist blabla
why would you care ? you were born up there
on the top of the hill

but if you want to be you
i need to be me
there is no you without me
and only when you stop being you
is when I become me
and only then
is when
I stop being me
only then
you can be you
and i can be me
do you see ?
what i'm trying to say ?
yes or nay?
hey?
hello
knock knock..
anyone there
or just an empty headskin

let's both seize to be you and me,
and only be
a one amazing we

words for LOVE in Arabic

Alâqa : liaison
'araq : insomnie
Balâbil : tourments
Cha'af : souffrances
Chaghaf : désir
Chajan : chagrins
Chajw : souci et tristesse
Chawq : nostalgie-désir
Da'mukhâmir : affection sans répit
Danaf : mal chronique
Futûn : désorientation sous l'effet de la séduction
Ghamarât : débordement
Gharâm : passion
Hanîn : nostalgie
Hawâ : tomber en amour
Hurqa : brûlure
Huyâm : transport d'amour
Huzn : tristesse
Ichq : amour passionné
Ikti'âb : mélancolie
Istikâna : apaisement
Jawâ : consomption
Junûn : folie
Kalaf : épreuve
Kamad : amour étouffé
Khabal : confusion mentale
Khilâba : envoûtement
Khilla : amitié profonde
Khulm : ien affectueux
Lâ'ij : affection douloureuse
Ladh' : morsure du feu
Lahaf : avidité
Law'a : amour lancinant
Lumam : transgressions minimes
Mahabba : amitié constante
Miqah : attachement prévenant
Rasiss : fièvre
Sabâba : finesse et ardeur du sentiment amoureux
Sabwa, sabâ : penchant pour les jeunes femmes
Sadam : affection suivie d'abbatement
Suhd : insomnie
Talabbud : adoration(mais on n'adore qu'Allah,swt)
Tabâla : anéantissement de langueur
Tabârîh : rigueurs
Tadlîh : stupeur et déraison
Tatayyum : sujétion par extase
Wahl : frayeurs
Wajd : véhemence d'amour
Walah : stupeur
Wasb : mal chronique
Widd : pureté et délicatesse

Rush the floor with Saba7 Fakhri

Rush the floor with Saba7 Fakhri.mp3

Till your Ears Bleed

This is one of my AudioArt pieces. I did this in year 2000.
I love it. I hope you do too.

Rejection and realizing you've been rejected

I remember the first time i was rejected. I couldnt believe it. (we are talking about romantic rejection by the way) . I couldnt get over it for the longest time. I was so full of myself and couldn't comprehend, how can anyone in their right mind reject me. I thought I was unrejectable. Now I know better. I dont take personally as much as i used to. I realize people have different tastes and interests so therefore not everyone is supposed to be attracted to me. and when i dig a bit deeper , people who are not attracted to me I am not really attracted to them to start with, when i really look hard and honest inside myself , i realize that their rejection makes them look more attractive, because my focus becomes to get accepted by them instead of feeling weather there is a connection there. Now if things were this black and white , not a big problem. The real problem is when you are not sure weather you are being rejected or not, weather the person you are being involved with is just afraid or if they are really not into you. this confusion eats up a big part of the self esteem. and instead of focusing on how you feel about the person , you get sucked into speculating and interpreting this other person's signals (or the lack of signals)
recently i realized i have been rejected. i feel much better now that i am outside the speculation and guessing game. i hate mystery and guessing. so , i got rejected, good, better now than later, that means i am getting closer to my goal. i am burning down my rejection quota, anyway , someone who rejects me cannot be suitable for me . dont you think?

some music for you

Here is one of my mixes

Rush the floor wit...

اللؤلؤ المنثور ... في فمك الجميل
فيه السعادة للشقي .. وللعليل
فاذا تفتحت الشفاه ثوانيا نورّت دنيانا وأحييت القتيل

The scattered pearls...in you beautiful mouth
brings happiness to the miserable , and the sick
if your lips opened for seconds our life lights up and the dead are revived..

The name of the artist singing in Arabic is Sabah fakhri from Alleppo, Syria. Then I am using a really old poem i think it is by امرؤ القيس... not too sure anymore. i am starting to forget these things you know.
the poet talks about his lover , how graceful is the way she walk, how loved by her friends and neighbours how she keeps their secrets, how when she stands up the fragrance of tulips and roses spreads all over the place...
bla bla bla , love and crap

Emotional state

I'm feeling emotional, I know that is stupid. no, really it is stupid. nothing changed since yesterday, i only grew up one more day, i slept and woke up, received some more spam, spent a little bit more time on the PC and the TV, ate and drank...

nothing significant.

i feel rejected though. maybe because i am listening to emotional songs that are taking me back to times when i felt loved and in love. maybe because these songs are transmitting sad feelings. i wonder if i will feel happy if i listen to happy songs. am i taking on the feelings in the songs or is the song playing because it is reflecting my own feelings.

recently something happened , i met someone , and i got rejected, it didnt feel good at all. it clouded my judgment about how i feel about that person. you know what Madonna says? "rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac" do you think she is right?

The truth is that i have so much love inside me, that i need to share, to give, to express, and i keep on running into people who are afraid of love, i learned recently or not so recently that i cant express my feelings openly and freely, i cant be transparent. i never believed or followed that directive. the result, rejection or feeling rejected. having to swallow back my pride and emotional expression and crawl back in bed with old memories and fantasies of glimpses of loving moments.

Why do humans need love?? what is so special about a kiss ? about lips meeting? what happens when lips meet? how can people be so close one day and next day they are strangers. they hurt each other and say bad things about each other..

why does a song affect me so much? is it because it resonates on the deepest level with feelings i once touched and tasted? sad or happy

I dont know. i wish i knew, or maybe i dont wish, because at least i have an excuse now to be stumbling, i dont know, if i knew then i cannot justify my stumbling.

love love, they say it makes the world goes around.i love myself , but that still isnt enough, nothing is like hearing and smelling the love.

i am rambling heavily , i know. that is why God invented blogs , so that people like me ramble freely, liberally.

it will pass, the 'i need personal romantic love' fever. i think i like being in that state otherwise i can turn off the fucking music and go take a shower or a walk.. but again, no , i cant run from myself. in the shower I'll have me with me, i cant hide or run.

i tell myself this is only my domestication, it is all learned behavior. even feelings are not real, they are how we learned to react to different things.

In Star Trek there is a race called the 'Vulcans'. Vulcans were once emotional barbaric but then they decided to control themselves, they meditated and controlled their minds and emotions so that they dont get into the kind of emotional turbulence similar I am in today. they succeeded in living according to logic. But the price was high, we see in one of the episodes how Tuvac , the Vulcan became crazy eventually. In another episode it shows how when Vulcans are in sexual heat they are totally out of control.

The question is , will I even find the kind of love that i imagine and wish for? will i feel this real and deep connection with another person where there we become pure energy, where we merge but stay separate , connect on the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual, where there is no inhibitions and right and wrong, only pure transparency and childlike innocence exists, where play is the game, exploration of the soul.

bla bla bla